Your Voice! The Goal Is To Find Your REAL One

 

your voice

We had no voice.

“Be quiet and don’t say anything to upset________(fill in the blank).”

As girls, raised in the 1950’s, we heard this and many other ‘instructions’ as to the proper behavior for females.

“Don’t eat that, it’ll make you fat.”

“Girls can’t do that.”

If we didn’t actually hear those exact words, we had plenty of family and neighborhood women or TV shows setting the example.

Except for a few rebels! Some of them were famous nationally or worldwide and some were great influences on smaller scales.

Here are three examples of some of my heroines plus a bit of my personal story with fighting to have my voice heard. Then I’ll give you some tips and tools to allow you to be vulnerable enough to speak your own truths.
Each of the 3 following videos is exactly one minute in length and you will be astounded as you hear the authentic voice of these woman (played by actresses)!

1. 1875 Jennie Trout became the first woman in Canada to be a licensed medical doctor

2. 1929 Emily Murphy in the company of 4 other women succeed in having women declared as ‘persons’! Yikes, I don’t know what we were classified as prior to that!

3. 1935 Agnes MacPhail becomes the first woman Canadian Member of Parliament.

Note: When Agnes MacPhail arrived for a tour of a prison, she was informed by the warden that “ladies” were not permitted inside. She responded “I’m not a ‘lady’; I’m an MP.” What a ‘Voice”! She got her tour.

All these women used their authentic voice.

Some women were not so famous, like my grandmother. Her husband deserted her and their three children when he elected to remain in Europe after fighting as a soldier in World War 1.

Most women in her day could only survive by taking borders into their homes, but my grandmother had gone to University and earned a degree before she married and as a result she was able to get employment and became the Head Librarian of the Vancouver, BC library.

What she taught my cousins and I were proper grammar and diction of the English language, some French vocabulary, thriftiness and proper manners. She also told great stories of her own history.

Women pilots WW2

 

During World War II, women worked in the factories building aircraft for the war effort and then flew them to their destinations.

When the soldiers came home, all women were expected to take their ‘proper place’ back in the kitchens, wearing aprons and maternity clothes. The men returned to   many different varieties of the work force.

My parents were strict, but usually quite fair. However, one thing was very clear, there was to be no discussion or negotiation over their decisions or rules and they presented a solid, united front. There was no trying to play one against the other.

If I tried to express my opinion or in any way argue, my Dad would snap his fingers (he could really make it loud!) and point at me. He didn’t have to say a word, I knew to shut my mouth and be quiet. I did not have a voice.

I became an adult believing I could not speak my truths or opinions nor bend any ‘rules’. So words would build up inside me, I wanted to express myself, but I was afraid to, so I became a writer instead.

It would take a buildup of feelings, not unlike the accumulation of a volcano’s hot lava, before I could speak out and by then the hurt was expressed as anger because that seemed to be an approved manner of expression.Tears were emotional women’s stuff.

The first time I did this, my husband at the time, hit me so hard across the side of my head, my eardrum broke. Lesson re-learned. I retreated into silence or agreement.

My strong spirit would not allow me to stay there though. It has taken many decades, at times with timid, cautious forays to learn the best and most positive ways of using my authentic voice. And as the Universe arranged, I actually had to become a public speaker to succeed in business!
The finger

If any of this resonates or sounds familiar to you, remember that these messages of our youth are difficult to change. They are, for the most part, unconscious. It took me so many years to realize what I was doing and why.

But once I found my authentic voice and began to respectively let her out, I feel much more real. The hard part is accepting that if someone reacts poorly, it is his or her stuff and not mine. I still slip sometimes, allow others to make me think I am unlovable, insecure and never do things right. These times become fewer.

TIPS AND TOOLS FOR YOU

1. Listen to your intuition (your gut), it is always right. These messages help you feel calmer and more harmonized, while your reasoning mind usually has you feeling something more negative. That’s how you can tell the difference.

2. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Brené Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” teaches more on this subject and I highly recommend it. Vulnerability is a really authentic feeling and when we allow others to see ours, it has the power to pour oil over rough waters.

3. Keep emphasizing your positive attributes to yourself. We spend far too much time on the opposite, kicking ourselves for our shortcomings. And don’t ever let anyone else make you feel guilty for being who you are.

4. Begin to use your voice. Be honest, be respectful, but use it. You will make some mistakes, but you will be in learning mode. Be strong. Your people are not used to hearing you do this. Don’t allow them to shut you up because of their stuff.

You are a gift to this world; otherwise you would not be here!

Leave me a comment blow, I’m aways grateful for your feedback.

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Lastly, remember that you can have a conversation with me at no-cost, one on one for about an hour. Just click here and make your request.

Colouring Books? The Goal is a Little Rebellion And Well-Being

Colouring Books?

The Goal is a Little Rebellion And Well-Being

colours of your soul

You are five years old

You are having fun

You are happy, totally unaware of time, creating, imagining, expanding your mind, focused, making choices, and totally in the moment.

Your short little legs are alternately swinging back and forth as you work and you are humming a favorite song you learned in kindergarten. In one hand you hold a chocolate chip cookie fresh from Mum’s oven and in the other hand you hold a crayon.

Lots of other crayons are scattered on the table top within easy reach of your eager fingers to add more artistry to your colouring book’s open page.

Be yourself 1

It doesn’t matter to you which crayon you use to colour each item on the page nor does it matter if you colour inside or outside the lines; you are happily creating in your own unique way.

I have no idea how it got started, but someone had the ingenious idea that we adults should revisit those days and have colouring books for grown ups to help us rediscover those carefree moments and experiences.

My very close friend, Sue, recently sent me a gift of a ‘grown up’ colouring book with a set of felt markers. I had not heard of this latest trend, but once I became aware of its popularity I saw signs of it everywhere on the Internet and in retail stores! In fact, another dear friend, Sandra, surprised me by giving me a second book during a visit with her!

tea cup 1

Now, I can’t draw a recognizable stick man, but if the drawing is already there and loving colour as I do, I can colour it. So began my return to colouring books (the images accompanying this article are scans of my work). The milk has morphed into a glass o’ wine or a cuppa tea and the cookie is now something low calorie and sugar, dairy or gluten-free (not the fun part), but the results are astonishing! Certainly in what transpires on the page, but even more so for what arises inwardly.

It’s still a time for creation, imagination, focus and being in-the-moment, but it is also almost a meditation, a way to achieve calm, to shut up all the mind chatter

Grown-up me also learned some things:

Any tendency for tight strings of perfectionism can loosen up as you recall Little You who didn’t care if you coloured the apple blue or puse.

You can play music and bum-dance in your chair (legs too long to dangle and swing now) while deciding whether you want to use a pencil crayon or a marker and you know any decision will be the right one. Humming or singing along also welcomed.

heart 1
You can stop ‘should-ing’ on yourself as you remember Little You putting whatever you want on your colouring page with no thought of what anyone else thinks you ‘should’ do. Your opinion is the only one that matters.

When finishing a page you can frame it or toss it and whatever you choose to do is perfectly okay.

You can safely express your emotions. If feeling angry you can open up your colouring book and scribble red all over the page with great abandon and immediately feel better. If sad, you can let tears fall on the page while colouring with every shade of blue you have.

If struggling with opposing emotions you can get fully into various creations such as colouring half an image/page one way and the other half another way. Which feels better?

Times of happiness, playfulness and contentment also bring creation of their own. Emotion is the fuel of creativity. Every emotion motivates creativity if you allow it. Many famous past and present artists of all bents found inspiration in their emotions. Why not you?

When you open your colouring book, you choose a page because the image speaks to you, creates a feeling. The other way around would be that you are feeling a certain way and you find an image that aligns with that feeling. Then you and the feeling create together.

What an amazing therapy!

flowers

I’ve shared this new trend with my sister and her friend Lucie, my neighbours, my yoga students, hairstylist and everyone whose ear is friendly to the idea. Several are now happily immersed.

Colouring groups have formed everywhere. People getting together to socialize, colour, share, help with and admire each other’s creations and have a coffee and some nibblies. Colouring is helping us come back to easy and simple socializing; something we have moved low on the to-do-list during recent over-busy times.

My own collection now numbers three colouring books and close to a combination of 100 coloured pencils, felt markers and gels. It’s all signs of just having great fun. Something we adults need much more of!

peacock
With the holiday season approaching, I have a feeling there will be lots of gift bags and wrap containing ‘colourful’ items. Perhaps you will be on the receiving or gifting ends.

Leave a comment below and tell me if you are currently colouring, are intrigued to try it out or anything else you have to contribute. Even attach a scan of one of your creations.

Be sure to share on social media using the convenient icons below and find out if any of your ‘friends’ are also involved. I’m sure there must be Facebook groups for Grown Up Colourers.

Here’s a link with lots of images, both coloured and not, for an article about the artist of my first colouring book for grown ups.
http://www.boredpanda.com/coloring-books-for-adults-johanna-basford/

Rejection Hurts! The Goal is to Ease Pain and Heal Fast

 

Rejection sign

The world, as you know it, has just ended.

Your heart is pounding as though it is running in place before it plummets to the bottom of your stomach, there to feel as if it is drowning.

Your blood stops circulating and your veins become icy cold.

Your stunned brain ceases to form any cohesive thoughts and your body freezes in paralysis.

Tears of acid burn your eyes; you fight mightily just to draw a breath.

Spurned, snubbed, shunned, abandoned, just a few of the words you can use to describe the feeling of rejection. Yet, none of them seem adequate.

Watermelon rindYou feel like a scooped out watermelon and all that is left is the rind. That delicious, sweet, slurpy part of you has instantly disappeared.

Someone has rejected you.

Perhaps a boy/girlfriend has dumped you and you never saw it coming; a spouse is involved with someone else and wants a divorce; your adult offspring says they don’t want you in their life anymore; your parent(s) disown you; you are fired from your job; your best friend betrays you. There are endless scenarios.

Not all rejection is as dramatic as the above examples, it can be as simple as a stranger in their car flipping you the bird which, on a scale of 1-10 would maybe rate a ‘two’, while the former would all be ‘ten’.

But for most of us it’s still a deep stab wound in the self-worth and you still have a physical and emotional reaction.

It boils down to one thing: handling rejection is freaking hard!!
Rejection

So let’s see if I can help ease the pain of past, present or future rejections.

The #1 and most important thing for you to know and never forget is this:

When we blame and reject others, we do so because we are in some kind of pain, and projecting it on to others is a pathway, although non productive, to easing that pain.

On the receiving end, unless you have deliberately done something to hurt or harm another person, you are not responsible for the rejection, even though you have been made the target.
Woman boss

A simple example might be that your supervisor exits the boss’ office, approaches you and yells that if you hadn’t been so slow getting that report done, she wouldn’t have just been fired.

She goes on to tell the whole office how it’s your fault.

Or…..

Your sister has harbored long time resentment of you because her first boyfriend broke up with her because he said he liked you better. Now she doesn’t talk to you anymore.

In both cases you are in open-mouthed shock. You know you got the report done on time and you never even had a conversation with your sister’s boyfriend, so are you going to accept the blame, feel guilty?

As hard as it is to be the brunt of untrue gossip or your sister’s angry absence, these are cases of the “Blame Game” and you were just the available prey.

Truth: the supervisor was fired because of her performance, not yours, and deep down she knows this, but in her shock and feelings of shame, she lashed out.
VulnerableYour sister’s boyfriend broke up with her because of his reasons, not her or you.

It’s not easy to be vulnerable, which requires honesty, therefore he chose to tell a lie as to why he broke up with her.

People are rarely honest when they feel shamed or embarrassed or when they are ending a relationship.

This brings me to our current ‘blame’ society.

So many adults are quick to blame others for their own shortcomings, lack of maturity, wrongdoings, etc.

One of the worst, I find as I work with coaching/mentoring my clients, is an adult offspring blaming their parents because the offspring has screwed up their own life so badly.

Note: Yes, some adults parent badly, but the great majority do the very best they know how to do. Some kids who are parented badly become pillars of respect, honesty, compassion and success while some who have been parented with love and the best intentions become lawbreakers and end up in prison. There is no predicting.
Accountable
Those who place blame for all their unwanted consequences have not learned how powerful it is to own and take personal responsibility for their lives.

It is only when you are fully accountable for what you don’t like in your life as well as what you do like, that the feeling of being stuck in powerlessness will leave you.

However, remaining powerless helps you not to have to do anything differently; it’s the easy out. It’s taking the low road and that’s a choice, just don’t expect anything to get better.

On some level, blamers know they are doing wrong, but they are in so much personal pain they can’t change and until they work through the cause of their pain, they are stuck and you can’t help them. Nor can you accept their blame and rejection.

Four things to remember and contemplate when
you feel rejected:

1. Did you deliberately do something to hurt or harm this person? If you did, take ownership, apologize and offer to make amends. It is profoundly healing for both of you.

2. Did you do something unintentional that caused hurt to this person? Again, apologize and explain how this was something you had no idea would be hurtful and promise that in the future you will pause and think before you act.

3. Was this something this person imagined you did, or another person told them you did (aka: they lied)? Explain that you are sorry this situation has occurred, but what they are accusing you of did not happen. This person may choose to believe you and be open to a conversation, or they may not. If not, they don’t deserve your loyalty.

4. Rejection within families is very common. The main reason being that it feels safe to do because family loves one another and are much more forgiving than non-family. It’s less risky. No one is actually thinking this at the time, but it is a subconscious motivation.
Just keep remembering, the blaming, anger, etc. is due to emotional pain they are dealing with. If they will engage in a calm conversation with you perhaps you could learn their source of pain.

If not, just know that you are not responsible, you are a good person. Keep on loving them because beneath their pain they love you too.

To wrap up, always keep loving yourself. Stay courageous in your Truth, don’t leave out pieces of yourself to make someone else feel more comfortable.

They can love you for who you are or not at all and they can decide if they want to remain a part of your history or be a part of your future.

No one can make you feel small unless you allow it.

What is the part of this article that really ‘spoke’ to you? Share this in the ‘comment’ area below.

If you want to share it with others, just click the ‘share’ button and choose how you want to send this on.

Want to talk about your own rejection(s)? Click the link and we will chat one on one.

Warmly,
Lynn Signature.lnk

 

You’re Doing The Best You Can; The Goal Is To Allow Flexibility

 

best

 

“Spend less time praising people who have made it. Celebrate those who are on the journey of achieving”

~Shannon Kaiser

Did you know you are a hero?

Yes, in someone’s eyes you are just that. They may be your spouse, a relative or friend, a child, neighbour, stranger on the street, fellow group member, your rescued pet …..anyone.

They may never have said this to you or perhaps they were unable to tell you because they didn’t know who you were; they may have witnessed you doing something, in their eyes heroic, but never saw you again.

A pet can’t speak, but the devotion in their eyes speaks deeply.

DEVOTED DOG

Our neighbour, Al, has dementia. No longer able to go to his job, no longer allowed to drive, but is still able to carry out systematic routines. He chooses to go to the newspaper drop box, pick up enough papers for a dozen or so of his neighbours and delivers these papers to their door, thus saving all of us the walk to the box. In my eyes, that’s heroic.

News deliveryHe is performing a welcome service to our ‘older-wiser’ community as well as continuing to be productive within his capacity.

The Dictionary describes a hero as “brave, courageous, a champion, star, idol, paragon. I believe these are in all of us, in big and small ways, many times over as we progress through our life. How many times have you been a hero to someone, I wonder?

We can’t all be Olympic medalists, can’t all be the first at doing something great, inventing the miracle medicine, writing the #1 best seller, but we are heroes just by doing our best every day, and each day our ‘best’ will vary.

4 agreementsIn his book “The Four Agreements”, Don Miguel Ruiz names one of those agreements as “Always do your best”, and how that ‘best’ will change moment to moment depending on circumstances.

Simply a goal to do your best each day is heroic, especially under very trying conditions when just the effort of putting one foot in front of the other feels like slogging through quicksand; if you stop you will sink.

Life on this planet ain’t easy! Not one of us was born with the money-back-if-not-completely-satisfied guarantee stamped on our butts. Even the proverbial ‘Silver Spoon’ is no guarantee for endless giggles and hugs.

Moneyback

No one graduates from Earth School without the quicksand along with the stardust.

On a spiritual level, there are those of us who believe we ‘chose’ this life, on this planet, during this time, to evolve our souls.

In fact, the late, famous Sylvia Browne, renowned psychic who made multiple dozens of appearances on the Montel Williams show and Larry King Live, just to name a couple, once wrote in one of her many books, (and I paraphrase) that a Soul making the choice to spend a life in this Universe, in this solar system, during this time and on this Planet Earth is indeed courageous in the extrAccelerated courseeme.

Why? Because a life spent here is said to have such a high degree of difficulty that the evolution of the soul is multiplied many times greater than an equivalent life spent ‘somewhere else’. I suppose we could name this the ‘Accelerated Course’!

If that’s the case, then every single person on this globe is a hero, at least in the eyes of Source.

When we read bios of famous, or important, accomplished people, and see the list of highly competent achievements, nearly all of which will be impossibly beyond our own attainment, we can sometimes feel small or inconsequential in their shadows. Don’t allow that. No one achieves great heights without being lifted up by the gigantic number of small, heroic deeds of others.

There is a lot to be celebrated in the unsung hero, those of us who, each day, make it a goal to simply keep doing our very best, one present-moment at a time within the circumstances we have been blessed.

haloFrom the exalted to the poorest of the poor, the saint to the sinner, the parent, the child, the teacher, healer, soldier, clerk and janitor, you can always sense when one is doing their best. They have Hero Haloes that can’t be seen, but can be felt.

What makes a person a hero in your eyes? Who has been a hero for you?

Tell someone today that she/he is your hero. Tell them why. And be sure to also tell this to the image in your mirror every day, because…you are doing the best you can!

Send me a comment below. Tell me a story of a hero to you, or tell me what resonated with you in this article.

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4 Ways People Steal Your Strength And How To Put A Stop To It STAT!

Strength StealersYou’ve just spent some time with the family ‘Dracula’, who has sucked you so dry your name should be Sahara.

This ‘Dracula’ could also be a friend or co-worker but the result is the same; all that’s left in your veins is dust.

Name someone who drains you, or makes you feel negative about yourself, or feel guilty or disconnected and is unreachable.

Got someone?

Okay, now choose one of the following that best describes their behavior and how you feel when you are with them:


Intimidate
Person #1: forceful, loud, and prone to outbursts, egocentric, always need center stage and talks continuously, authoritarian, inflexible, sarcastic and even violent.

You may feel some or all: kept on edge, anxious, fearful, angry, negated and even vengeful.

 

Interrogator
Person #2: looks for ways to make others wrong, are always questioning your motives and activities, dwells on your faults and mistakes. They can be hyper vigilant, cynical, sarcastic, perfectionistic, self-righteous and manipulative.

You may feel: constantly monitored, negated and wrong.
Aloof
Person #3: caught up in their own internal world of unresolved struggles, fears and self-doubt. They avoid commitments; act disinterested, unavailable, uncooperative, condescending, rejecting, contrary and sneaky.

You may feel: uncertain, suspicious, detached from them and like you need to draw them out all the time.
Poor Me

Person #4: Here is a person who is a pessimist, likes to elicit sympathy, wears a worried facial expression, sighs, cries, answers questions slowly, retell stories of their crises and are always defending and making excuses. Can be over accommodating and then feel taken advantage of.

You may feel: guilty, seduced by their vulnerability and need for help, but they are seldom interested in solutions.

Your ‘Dracula’ could be a combination of the first two person’s characteristics (aggressive) or the last two person’s characteristics (passive).
Person #1 is ‘INTIMIDATOR’
Person #2 is ‘INTERROGATOR’
Person #3 is ‘ALOOF’
Person #4 is ‘POOR ME’

I like to call these behavior categories “Strength Stealers”

Guess what? Everyone has some of all four “Strength Stealers” within him or her. Yes, you and me too. We also have one that is our favorite; the one we use most of the time.

Strength Stealers are fear based

Fears of the Intimidator are: being controlled, that no one cares, they have to do it alone, no one ever took care of them.

Fears of the Interrogator are: people leave them, they received little to no acknowledgment as a child, everyone counts more than they do, they won’t receive proof of love.

Fears of the Aloof are: not sure of survival, can’t trust self, feeling trapped, just don’t know how they feel.

Fears of the Poor Me are: not feeling cared for, getting no recognition, losing love if they change.

Why do we have these behaviours?

We believe that love, approval, recognition, etc. is only available from other people, so we compete for it. We crave these attentions in order to solidify our feelings of self worth; they are good and positive energies and we will do what ever we need to get them.

But why do we resort to these particular behaviors?

Answer: we’ve been taught. Not in a classroom, but at home.

Stands to reason your parents and siblings also strived to feel some of these positive and good energies too. You grew up amidst these four Energy Stealing dramas, you learn what role to choose and you act the heck out of it!

Think of your parents (or whoever raised you). How are you similar or opposite to them?

An Intimidator parent can create ‘Poor Me’ or another Intimidator behavior in their child.

An Interrogator parent can create an Aloof child and sometimes a ‘Poor Me’

An Aloof parent can create Interrogators, but also Intimidators.

A Poor Me parent can create an Intimidator child.

Unconsciously

Here’s the huge Ah-Ha

We are all doing this without even knowing what we are doing! This is all done unconsciously.

“If we continue to do what we’ve always done, we will continue to get what we’ve always got”

And this is why I am writing this article, to bring this knowledge into your consciousness and thus the consciousness of your family and friends through you.

NOT so we can point at each other and play a blame game, but so that we can gain knowledge and help each other understand our behaviors and work to change them.

Which Strength Stealer is your predominant? Not only do you need to recognize these behaviors in other people, but you also have to recognize your own if you are going to have healthy relationships.


Positively

The positive strength in each Strength Stealing category

The good news is, once we know what we are doing, put in the work to feel empowered and esteemed through oneself and no one else, we can turn the negative, Strength Stealing energy into Strength Restoring energy.

Like this:

Intimidator: leadership qualities, being assertive without dominance, confident without arrogance, can shine in management professions

Interrogator: great qualities of advocacy, a researcher, a teacher, a counselor, a coach

Aloof: has deep, inner, intuitive resources, wisdom and creativity, an artist, clergy, healing professions

Poor Me: the qualities of a reformer, remaining grounded, compassionate, a healer, social worker professions

How can we help each other?

Project love and understanding when you recognize:

1. The Intimidator in negative mode by simply asking “Why are you so angry?”

“You seem to want to make me afraid of you.”

2. The Interrogator in negative mode: “I like you, but when I’m with you I feel criticized.”

“Is there something else that’s bothering you besides this issue?”

3. The Aloof in negative mode: “I feel you are withdrawing and being distant. How are you feeling?”

4. The Poor Me in negative mode: “It feels like you’re making me responsible for what’s going wrong in your life.”

“You may not mean to, but if feels like you’re trying to make me feel guilty.”

This kind of questioning has you taking responsibility for your own feelings, but can help the ‘stealer’ to see you as a mirror reflecting their behavior back to them without feeling accused.

Go and have some fun with this, don’t take yourself too seriously, but see what you can recognize as Strength Stealing and Strength Restoring Energy.

It’ll help keep the dust out of your veins!

If this article has been helpful, please share with others using the social media icons below or simply forwarding to someone you care about.

By all means, leave me your comments. I find them helpful and love receiving them! 🙂 

I’m also happy to chat with you cost-free personally if you feel this subject has struck a chord with you and you would like to explore further.

This article has been inspired by, “The Celestine Prophecy Experiential Guide” by James Redmond and Carol Adrienne. I recommend it along with the book “The Celestine Prophecy” by James Redmond.

 

What Goal Gets You Up In The Morning? Learn Your Own Astounding Answer!

Get up

Your Replies To 3 Questions Will Give You An Astounding Answer That’s Not What You May Think

I know you have experienced this a time or two…..

All the line-ups to the tills in the grocery store are verrrry long.

Scenario:

Line up

Judith is in line#6 and Anne is in line #2.

Judith is focused on getting through the lines as fast as she can because she has a lot to do in preparation for the holiday dinner she is hosting for a dozen guests.

She keeps looking at the other line-ups to see if one may be shorter than hers and she moves from one to another in hopes of speeding things up. Her stress is obvious.

Anne is busy leafing through one of the magazines that are always on display at every till and strikes up a conversation with the woman behind her and they both look at the open magazine page.

They smile, chat some more, laugh, etc. and before you know it they aren’t even looking at the magazine, but having a wonderful time engaging in good conversation. Others in the line-up even join in!

What do you think each of these women is feeling deep inside?

We’ll find out, but for the moment we are going to leave Judith to her till-hopping and Anne to her conversation and rejoin them in a minute or two.

Let’s focus on you in the meantime.

Why do you get up in the morning?

For the same reason you’ve had all of your life. You just don’t consciously know what it is, but your unconscious does.

It’s why you do everything you do, everything you’ve ever done and everything you ever will do. You just don’t recall ever choosing it.

I’m going to ask you a question. When you read it, you will have an instant, intuitive answer. Go with it. It’s the right one. No filtering!

To get the benefit you’ll want you to get out of this exercise you must do the steps as you read them. If you read ahead thinking you can come back and do the exercise later you will have gained information ahead of time that will skew any chances of you receiving usefulness.

So let’s play the game!

Pretend the Genie of the Lamp (looking at this Genie, I’m not so sure about him, but he was the one on call) is going to grant you one wish instantly and your answer must be given within five seconds or you lose it.Genie

Question 1: “What do you want more than anything else right now?

Write your answer down now.

This wish is actually the #1 goal in your life. Yes, it is, just keep going, there’s another layer to uncover, and I’ll prove it.

This is the reason you get up in the morning and do everything else throughout your day.

Shall we do a test to see if it’s the right answer?

Internal External

First: determine if your answer is Internal or External. Here’s the difference:

Internal: Your answer will be an Internal State (joy, inner peace, love), a feeling.

External: Your answer will be an External Circumstance (money, car, house, diploma, someone else’s behavior).

97% of people will choose the wrong answer, an external wish.

If you are in that majority (I was too!), these next 2 questions will help you find the right answer. Let’s go down another layer.

Question 2: If you got what you most wanted, what would it do for you and how would it change in your life?

Here’s where we need examples. Let’s say your answer to question #1 is “A million dollars” or “Be my ideal body weight” or “Have a thriving business” or “Have a life partner”.

Then examples of answers to question #2 might be:

Your million dollars will buy you that lovely home, a luxury car, security for life, be debt free, the ability to help others.

Your ideal body weight might give you the health to live longer, attract dates, allow you to wear fine clothes; some people wouldn’t ignore you.

Your thriving business could put you on the map in your town, bring in more money, give a job to others, and support your charities.

A life partner would bring you someone with whom to share life; you would not be lonely, there would be love in your life.

Write your answers to Question #2 down now.

Question 3: If you got the things that were your answersEmoticon to questions #1 & #2, how would that make you feel?

ie: How would everything your million dollars provided make you feel? How would your ideal body weight make you feel? Your thriving business; a life partner; whatever you wrote down for your answer to question #2?

Write a feeling or two down now.

That or those feelings are the right answer to Question One. That feeling(s) is your Ultimate Goal, the Internal goal. The one for which you get up in the morning, the one for which you do everything.

Problem is you’ve been thinking that the only way to get that feeling internally is via your answers to questions #1 & #2, mostly external stuff.

Nothing could be further from the truth. You can have that feeling(s) right this very moment. Simply by making the decision to have it. For this we need to return to Judith and Anne for one final example:

What’s the difference between Judith and Anne?

Judith is focused on an external goal of putting on the perfect holiday dinner. What she does not realize is that in doing so she unconsciously believes she will achieve of feeling of being loved and accepted. She knows only that she must accomplish this feat and it is causing her great stress.

This need to feel loved and accepted is the #1 reason she does everything, her reason to get up in the morning, her internal goal. She’s trying to reach it by external means ie: the approval and admiration of others. Instead, she feels powerless as well as stressed.

Anne, on the other hand, has an ultimate internal goal to feel at ease and content. Contrary to Judith, she is conscious of her ultimate goal and made a decision long ago to choose to feel at ease and content, if at all possible, at all times.

It did not depend on her circumstances or anyone else, just her decision to make any situation into one of feeling at ease and content.

Yes, at first, it was difficult.

When she was guided through these exercises, she became consciously aware of what she truly desired in life. She now knew what she didn’t know before.

Patience with herself and practice found her getting much better at finding herself at ease and content in most circumstances. Soon it became automatic, like switching to autopilot.

I will share my ultimate goal, which is to feel purposeful and fulfilled. Do I manage it every waking moment? Of course not, but I do know it is a choice, that I am in control and I can call up these feelings whenever I wish without having to depend on any external circumstances.

I can still feel purposeful and fulfilled just by writing this article no matter how many people read it or don’t read it.

Judith can feel love and acceptance from herself no matter how her holiday dinner turns out or what her guests say or don’t say.

The bottom line is, you don’t have to set a goal to get anything accomplished or bought or done because you believe that this will cause you to feel something good; ie: “When I get out of debt I will feel free”; “When I find a life partner I will feel loved”; “When I reach my ideal weight I will feel worthy”.

You are free, loved and worthy right now!

Old Concept

I’ve just touched the very tip of the iceberg when it comes to changing the old paradigm of the whole concept of goals.

What we have been taught in the past 70+ years has accumulated evidence of only a 3% success rate. We can do better with a better way.

This article was inspired by the book “Beyond Willpower” written by Alexander Loyd . As you can imagine there is much more behind what I have been able to cover here. I highly recommend the book.

If you would like to have me guide you through this exercise personally you can do so with your initial, one-time-only, no-cost, Breakthrough Conversation with me.

Warmly,
Lynn

P.S. Feel free to comment below (I looove to read all comments. 😆 ), and if you want to share further just click these social media icons.

Why You Don’t Succeed Even When You Know How. Putting a stop to the cycle, after you’ve worked so bloody hard to succeed!

Why we don't succeed

Ever feel desperate?

I mean reallllllly desperate!

So desperate you would give your facial collagen for a solution?

You have been in denial, miserable and living with this crappy situation long enough. You are finally at a place where you cannot live with it anymore and you admit you need help.

So you start looking for it.
Hat in air
You sign up for the course, or join the group, or buy the book, find a mentor, hire a coach, a physical trainer, a financial planner, etc. Whatever it takes you are going to conquer this problem and come out a successful winner!

You work hard and you make progress. You even find that you are enjoying it. Confidence builds, you are focused, even excited. “You’re gonna make it after all”, cue Mary Tyler Moore and throw your hat in the air!

You’re a new person. You’re in a new job you absolutely love, or your relationship is off the charts, or you have a newly minted, healthy body full of energy, money in savings and a cracker-jack credit rating. You succeed!

Never again will you find yourself in such a situation of anguish. Never!

The above are pretty big life circumstances, but let’s look at some less life altering yet still stressful examples and see if they ring any tinkling bells or crashing cymbals.
Messy Closet
How about your closet? You swear there is a tribe of mischievous Leprechauns living in there who create havoc scattering shoes, pulling skirts off the hangars, turning pants inside out and practicing half gainers from the top shelf into the hamper.
Leprechaun
Perhaps that same clan has migrated to your car, blowing a thick layer of dust all over the interior, leaving the radio knob at full volume to shred your ear drums, under your feet is a gravel pit of dirt from your winter boots, the dog’s nose prints paint the windows a lovely shade of muzzle slobber and there are enough empty coffee cups, plastic bags, newspapers and wrappers in which to lose small child.

You reach a breaking point, can’t stand it another moment. You reconfigure and paint the closet, buy organization bins, new padded hangars, put your shoes on birth control so they won’t reproduce, hang your clothes in order of colour, size, garment or season, then stand back and admire as you swear on a crate of your favourite Chardonnay that you will put everything back where it belongs every day!

You sell the car.

Oh no, just joking. You take it to be detailed and promise yourself you will do this at least once a month from now on.

However, before long the shine has worn off your beautiful closet or spiffy car or new job. The daily grind has buffeted the wonderful relationship or the pounds have insidiously crept back to sit on your hips or the bottom line is showing ‘red’ again.Bottom Line

Lend me your ear. Because I’m going to whisper an astonishing piece of knowledge you can teach your kids….

If you can’t learn to manage and control the small things in your life, you will never manage and control the bigger things.

happy feelingsIf the Genie appeared and granted you one wish (it could not be for more wishes), here is what I suggest you wish for: the power of consistency.

It’s just a routine, one anybody can learn.

If you didn’t consistently breathe, you would die, same with eating, sleeping and eliminating. Your body is a prime example of consistency.

So is Mother Nature with her seasons, her growth cycles, reproduction, etc. Look what is happening with our environment when the temperatures begin to find new norms…..everything begins to go off balance. The consistency is broken.

Taking a lesson of paramount importance from nature and your own body, you learn just how crucial consistency is if you want a life that feels content, fulfilled, meaningful, fun, relaxed, happy, moving forward, successful, and all those other things you keep wishing for yet can’t seem to maintain.
The reason you fall back into repeated situations of ill health, debt, relationship sabotage or disorganization, etc. after you have proven you know how to fix them, is because you let go of the practice of consistency.

I call this “The learn it, live it, lose it cycle”.

Let’s try this:

1. You need to know what you want and be crystal clear about the plan to achieve it. You’ve done this plan before and you succeeded.

2. You don’t need willpower. That’s head stuff. You need heart power to succeed.Heart Power
3. You don’t need to be thinking about next week, tomorrow or a half hour from now. You need to be feeling about the present moment.

Think of it this way: the past is for learning from and the future is never a guarantee. The only ‘time’ over which you have complete control is the present time.
You know how to be consistent. You’ve just been making the wrong choices in present moment time.

4. You know what you need to do if you are to get what you truly want so every moment that arrives wherein you need to take an action, you have a choice. Make the one that will bring you a feeling of fulfillment, forward movement, confidence and pride in yourself not one that is tinged with guilt. I know that you can feel the difference and succeed.

5. That’s it. Don’t decide for tomorrow or six months down the road, just make a choice in each present moment as it arrives; a choice that will be in harmony and alignment with your plan. Your feelings will not steer you off course.
Future-Moment
Example: In accordance with your plan it’s time to go to the gym. What if your little inside voice says, “We don’t need to go today, one day off won’t hurt. You can get an extra hour sleep, you’ve been good.”

In that present moment you have a choice to make. You know the extra hour sleep will not feel good because it will have a halo of guilt around it. If you choose to be consistent with your plan you will be proud of yourself, know you are making forward movement and feel fulfilled.

Bottom line: Consistency is taking your strength back from the Little Inside Voice by making present moment choices based on the Big Inside Voice.

Leave a comment below telling me about a time when you made a present moment choice that served you well. I love to hear from you!

If you learned something here, go ahead and share this so others can too. Use social media icons below or simply forward this to a friend.

 

The Lost Secret of PATIENCE & How Taking It Out Of Goal Mothballs Can Create Abundant Bounty!

Gratification

 

 

I think it all began with the microwave oven.

 

 

 

 

Baked PotatoWhen I was young and under the impression I knew everything, I recall my Dad, who was a voracious reader, telling me he had just read an article in a science magazine that the day was coming when we would be able to bake a potato in five minutes

 

Egg on my face

 

Me, being the Smarty Pants I was, laughed at him and said something like, “Oh Dad, that’s science fiction, why do you believe this stuff!”

Today, I obviously have microwaved poached egg on my face and the pile of potatoes I have baked in five minutes or less could rival the height of the Rocky Mountains. This has to be the greatest timesaver invention EVER!

 

Drive Thru

Many more have followed in quick succession.

MacDonald’s introduced ‘fast’ food by having a hamburger in your hands before your drool mechanism could kick in.

A&W actually skated it out to your car!

We now have a plethora of every type of food imaginable Frisbee-delivered as you drive thru to a window, toss your money with one hand and catch food with the other.

Mail is sent and delivered in a few seconds, no waiting several days watching for the ‘mailman’ with his handful of daily surprises. Remember the feeling of disappointment when he would walk right by without coming to your door?

Your camera shows your photos the instant you click the shutter. No film to drop off at the store, wait a few days, pick up the pictures and excitedly thumb through them to see if your photography talents match your expectancies.

No more having to wait for percolated coffee making you late for work! Just drive up to a window on your way to work, mutter something sounding totally like you’re ordering an Italian supermodel, “Vendi, tall, double skinny, Splenda, etc.” and receive a lidded paper cup in your hand before you have time to change gears.

Car hits pedestrian

Now that entire conversations are measured in one hundred and forty characters, just look at the time you save talking!

You can phone someone, read your mail, and text “Dead Pedestrian” in the time it takes to cross the street without even having to waste time looking up!

Oooohkay. It’s a given that in a very short span of time, say thirty years, we have invented more gadgets and behaviours to ‘save time’ and increase ‘efficiency’ than in any other era in history.

On the minus side, we observe a narcissistic society wherein a lot of people feel they have the right to be verbally rude and abusive to anyone who keeps them waiting or infringes on their “rights” by holding them up while you actually drive the posted speed limit.

censored

Much of this is caused by an overabundance of stress hormones caused by this very speed at which we must live our lives.

There is one huge thing we have sacrificed: that incredible feeling of reward after practicing patience.

Not so long ago, in a world that wasn’t racing at warp speed, we had goals that we knew were going to take a bit of time to develop. We were going to have to do some planning and some work for it and we did, one step at a time.

When that goal came to fruition, we had a sense of accomplishment, pride, growth and we learned a lot along the way. It’s called having DELAYED GRATIFICATION.

Patience

Today, most people want and expect INSTANT GRATIFICATION. We want ‘things’ now and accumulate huge debt in order to have them. We have no patience for starting at the bottom and working up to earn the prize at the top.

Frustration and failure reign when we resist the Law of Response and choose to react over those things that just cannot be rushed ie: education, weight loss, accumulation of wealth, recovery from illness or accident, mending a broken marriage, reducing debt, building a business, etc.

Let’s take a closer look at one of these; ‘weight loss’. How did we become a society of obesity? Answer: Instant Gratification. Want that second helping? Take that second helping. Would you like fries with that? Sure! Feeling upset and a large “Oreo Cookie Blizzard” sounds like it will provide quick soothing? Yeah!

We ‘pick up’ dinner on the way home and have lost the art of cooking and eating together because there is no time for it.

How did we become a society of people deeply in debt, maxing out several credit cards, using Pay Day loans and robbing Peter to pay Paul?

And what keeps sabotaging our efforts to ‘fix’ these situations we caused? Answer: Continuing the desire for Instant Gratification.

Let’s Try This:

 

No to dessertContinuing with the weight loss theme, although you can use this with other health issues, career, relationship or financial situation as well:

1. You find yourself going for the Crème Brûlée rather than the piece of luscious fruit.

2. Stop. Respond. Ask yourself, “What will be my internal feeling if I choose the Crème Brule? Answer: “For the time I am eating it I will feel good, but when I have finished I will feel guilty, like a failure and I will beat up on myself.”

3. Now ask yourself, “What will be my internal feeling if I choose the fruit?” Answer: I will feel proud of myself, happy that I am treating my body well and I’ll take a leap up the self-esteem ladder.”

4. Reason it out in this way: “I am choosing a feeling, not a dessert, and I would rather feel proud and happy.

Good feeling

Life is simply a succession of present moments and you are free to choose in each of them. As you practice responding rather than reacting, you will grow in wisdom and maturity and you will reach your success goals by choosing the long lasting, feel-good feelings rather than the short fixes that end up making you feel like a failure.

Guess what happens? Even if you decide to change your success goal, you will still have reached the feelings you wanted that goal to provide simply by making the wise, response choice in each present moment.

DAILY STEPS It’s the journey, not the goal that gives you what you want. Worth repeating: It’s the journey, not the goal that gives you what you want!

The feelings you create when you practice Delayed Gratification in order to grow, fix, achieve, accomplish, attain, etc. are a thousand-fold more powerful than any Instant Gratification which is akin to a temporary numbing of some kind of pain; a bandage, a temporary cover to make a wound feel better but will not make it heal any faster.

So, back to this society in which we live, people born since 1990 or perhaps earlier, haven’t had many examples of healthy, Delayed Gratification. And this is one reason why many suffer with lack of empathy, righteous self-entitlement, poor work or personal ethics and lack of patience and/or motivation.

If they could learn the values and rewards of Delayed Gratification rather than continual pleasure seeking to avoid perceived pains, our society could slow down, smell some roses, smile more, laugh more, rest more, love more and, best of all, FEEL better.

Give steps 1 through 4 a try the next time you feel tempted to do something you know is sabotage……

…..Just for that one present moment.

You can chat with me about how you can bring more patience into your day and practice the power of Delayed Gratification.

It would put me over the moon if you felt this article was helpful for you! If that’s the case please leave me a comment below.

There are social media icons right here to share this article with others too.

How much C.R.A.P. is on your mind? And how to flush it out!

Hamster on wheel

You know when your thoughts are running in an endless loop much like the gerbil running on its exercise wheel? Well, the gerbil is smart enough to stop when it gets tired.

When we get fixated on ‘looping’ we will run it to death!

You can be thinking about something someone did to you or said about you that has you in defence mode. Conflict.

Perhaps you are stuck in the, “I have to, need to, must get around to….” doing whatever you are procrastinating about. Resistance.

Swinging on vineOr you are swinging on that vine of indecision, back and forth, back and forth increasing your stress hormones but can’t let go. Anxiety

Then there is your need to find a solution to your child’s temper tantrums in public, which can be a ‘child’ aged 2 or 22! Problem.

All this adds up to a lot of…….

Conflict
Resistance
Anxiety
Problems
or C.R.A.P., if you will,

…..on your plate

Knight

Galloping to your rescue on his trusty steed, is Neuroscience researcher Mark Robert Waldman who taught me about his C.R.A.P. Board, more about this in a moment.

You see, your brain is the last frontier of exploration, excluding Space, and Mark seems to be the modern Dr. Livingston of the brain and our behaviour.

Did you know:

~ You can chew on negativity or solution-based thinking but you can’t do both at once?

~ Your brain prefers to embed negative memories to positive ones?

~ We need a 5:1 “Positivity Ratio” for optimism and stress-resistance?

~ If this ratio falls below 3:1 success is most likely to fail?

~ You need to daydream?

~ You can use thoughts to shrink parts of the brain responsible for negative emotions and strengthen parts that feel empathy and compassion?

Yawning

 

Yawning lowers frontal lobe hyperactivity functioning. Here’s a stress-reducing exercise from Mark:

Combine yawning, slow stretching, gentle stroking of palms and arms and within 60 seconds you’ll be in a deep state of relaxation.

​(I’ll bet my bippy you yawned when you saw this picture and read the word ‘yawning’!)

Okay. Now the C.R.A.P. Page Exercise:

1. List all your weaknesses, worries and fears on a pad of paper and fill the entire page.

2. Gaze at your list while focusing on your top values, recalling happy and loving memories.

Within 10 minutes your conscious mind disconnects from the emotional memories you wrote on your C.R.A.P. Page.

3.Post it near your workplace. Don’t throw it away or your right prefrontal cortex will begin to worry about things on that list!

Our brains are a grey mass of mystery for the most part, a fascinating frontier of science.

Brain greenIf your brain has been teased with this bit of info and you want more, you can go to Mark’s websites:

www.MarkRobertWaldman.com
www.NeuroWisdom.com
And if you’d like to talk about how to use this science combined with Inspirational Goaling, click here.

I love to receive your comments. Let’s me know that real people are out there reading my stuff!

If you think my ‘stuff’ is interesting or helpful, you’d make me positively gleeful if you’d pass it on through the social media icons here.

“How Underlying Memories Sabotage Your Goals” And How to Fix this

 

Processed with VSCOcam with s4 preset
You are off on that long overdue vacation!

You’re hopping from one leg to the other with excitement to get going because it’s a dream spot you have loved most of your life, but for some reason you rarely get there.

First stop – fuel. You drive up to the pump, remove the gas cap, put the nozzle in the tank, squeeze the handle, and fill the tank to 2% capacity. (That isn’t a typo.)

Then you set off, whistling a happy tune, to travel 300 miles to your destination.
Image

You don’t get very far before the ‘E’ on the gauge is waving at you, so you must stop and refuel.

And again, you fill 2% of the tank.

You continue doing this for an hour or so and it’s becoming tedious and boring. Your ‘hopping’ has become heel dragging as you pull into another gas station for the umpteenth time.

hammockBut, your eye is still tenaciously on the prize; you visualize yourself in that charming restaurant spooning mouth-watering Crème Brûlée desert, feeling wrapped in a downy cloud as you curl up in the oh-so-comfy bed or settle in to the gently swaying hammock with the highly recommended book you have saved for this occasion.

You become re-enthused and off you go on the next leg of your trip.

Another hour passes; you’ve made more stops to re-fuel.

Your enthusiasm is now turning into teeth-clenching determination to get to your favorite place and you doggedly keep going. By dang, you are gonna get there and you will enjoy yourself if it kills you!

Many hours and way too many re-fueling stops later you finally reach your destination via sheer willpower. You’re harried, frustrated and cranky as bear hungover on fermented berries; cross-eyed with exhaustion you skip eating, hit the pit wondering whatever possessed you to make this trip and end with a restless night’s sleep.
yawning bear
This vacation has begun on a less than exhilarating note. As the days pass, your expectancy of a dream-filled time doesn’t materialize.

Your favorite meal in your favorite restaurant isn’t up to snuff; you aren’t sleeping well in spite of the comfy bed and the weather rains on your parade so no hammock time. May as well go home.

This return expedition is no better than your trip out. You could say you enjoyed yourself to about 2% of your capacity.

You are bummed.

Of course, this is just a silly story, but it forms a picture in your mind that helps me make my point. I know that no one is going to keep filling his or her fuel tank at 2% capacity. That’s ridiculous.

But what if you were operating on a deep-seated, unconscious belief that if you were ever in a crash, it’s better not to have a full tank of gas because of the risk of fire and explosion; 2% capacity is much more safe?

Here’s the point: We all have just as crazy beliefs and don’t even know that we have them! It doesn’t matter where they originated, you just act them out unconsciously, without question while going about your existence trying your best, wondering why things go wrong, and often wondering why you can’t be/do/have what you want, which is to make it to a goal.

Do you recall yourself ever saying, “Why do I keep doing this!?”

It’s because you don’t know that you don’t know! (Read that one again)

Your conscious mind is only 2% of your total consciousness, your ‘fuel tank’, if you will. Your unconscious, or sub conscious, mind is the other 98%. This is where all your lifetime beliefs live; the crazy ones and the ones that also serve you well.

You rarely, if ever, think of your unconscious mind, and yet, it determines how you think and act every moment of your existence.

Some facts about your unconscious mind:

  • It has no capacity to think ‘past’ or ‘future’. Everything is in ‘present’ time. When you spend time dwelling on a past experience that was unhappy, your unconscious thinks it is happening right now.

     This stresses your physical body just as much now as it       did when it actually happened. Stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline flood through your system and cause damage to your body over and over again each time you dwell on it. Catch yourself when doing this and switch to a pleasant memory.

  • Your unconscious can’t differentiate between real and imagined. Everything is truth to the unconscious mind. It does not recognize the negative words such as “won’t, don’t, isn’t, never, etc. so you want to feed it only the positive. ie: “I’ll always treat people kindly” rather than “I won’t be unkind to anyone”. There is a different energy surrounding each of those sentences. The unconscious reads energy.

Two minds

  • From birth, others, your environment and your experience have programmed you. You’ve built a memory bank, adopted primary beliefs, thoughts and feelings. They all live in your unconscious mind.
  • All your body functions are directed from the unconscious: breathing, heartbeat, circulation, elimination, hormone function, digestion, healing, etc. Imagine you having to direct all this from your conscious mind! There would be no time for anything else.

So what I am getting at here is, 2% of your mind alone, is not going to make you successful, rich, healthy and wise.

You will repeat past mistakes, keep choosing the wrong partners, stay in financial survival mode, retain the unwanted weight and remain in a state of ‘wanting’ rather than ‘having’ until you go exploring.

Explorers

In other words, do you want just 2% more money; just 2% better relationships, feel just 2% happier in the career, or lose only 2% of the unwanted weight? Or do you want 100%?

If it’s the latter, go and explore that unconscious territory in your mind. Retain the material that is serving you well, then de-programme and re-programme the material that does not serve you well.

BIG SECRET REVEALED: It cannot be fixed by willpower!

There are Professionals to consult, books, CD’s, DVD’s, libraries, Google, night courses, etc. to turn to in order to begin your journey.

Sometimes it’s as simple as a conversation that can cause that quarter degree turn of your kaleidoscopic image and reveal an entirely new vision; that Ah-Hah moment.

I’m delighted to provide that conversation at no cost. Simply
click here.

Life changes dramatically when you gain understanding though knowledge!

So go make like Christopher Columbus and explore!

I love to read your comments. Just go to the comment section below.

If you think this article would be of interest to others, please share by clicking the ‘share’ icons.

©Lynn Moore 2015