F________ Should Be Your Only Goal; You’ll Never Guess (caution: Humor!)

Stinking coffee

Your birthday is coming up in three weeks.

What a spectacular day it will be!

You visualize all the significant events of this once-a-year celebration and it brings you such joy.

Pillow rose
You will awaken to see a single red rose on your pillow and a fresh, steaming cup of coffee set on your nightstand. Propped beside it is a baby pink envelope containing a stunning birthday card espousing the most sublime words of love and appreciation. ​
There is a separate note from your Lover saying,

“I turned off your alarm, no need for you to get up early on your special day. The coffee is for a gentle, aromatic awakening, the rose for you to see a mirror of your own beauty when you first open your eyes and the card to inadequately express how grateful I am for the day you were born. Don’t plan dinner; I have an exquisite evening planned! xxoo”

Throughout the days leading up to your birthday, your imagination continues it’s busy-ness.

Hubby will have planned to take you to dinner to your favorite dinning room overlooking the water where you can watch the sunset. The atmosphere is quiet except for the tinkle of the piano and the sighing strings of the violin being played by a live musical duo near the dance floor.

You are sipping your aperitif when Hubby takes your hand and leads you into a dance as the duo seamlessly switches to playing your favorite love song.

When you return, you gasp in delight, for there, in the centre of your table is a crystal vase holding the most exquisite ivory and red roses along with a small box gift wrapped in white, velvet embossed paper and topped with an intricate, red bow.

He remembered!

ringbox
You gently unwrap the little box as your mind replays the moment when, a few weeks past, you and hubby paused at the window of a jewelry store and you fell in love with an 18k, wide band, gold ring displaying a radiant emerald nestled amongst tiny diamonds.​
Your eyes shimmer with gratitude, love and unshed tears as he slips the ring on your finger and raises your hand to gently kiss it.

Your all-time favourite lobster dinner has been pre-ordered and set before you.

A lightly oaked, dry, Chardonnay white wine is poured into a cut crystal wine glass etched with your name, month and day of your birth.

Just as you feel your heart could not be more filled with joy, the musical duo begins to play ‘Happy Birthday’ as your waiter places a most splendid cake before you.

cake6
A double layer, white cake, topped with a bouquet of pink and ivory flowers all artistically fashioned using frosting. Hidden between the layers lies your most loved dessert …Crème Brulee!

Hubby knows your favorite place to eat, favorite flowers, colours, dinner, dessert, and you’ve given him a huge hint for the gift you most want.

You are proud of setting such an amazing goal, this will be the best birthday ever!
The day arrives…..

Your alarm shrills.

Rather than a rose on your pillow, there is a drool pool.

From the bathroom Hubby hollers, “I’m running late this morning Honey, can you bring me a cup of coffee while I get dressed?”

You stumble into the kitchen only to discover the coffee can is empty so you scrabble around in the back of a cupboard and come up with a jar of stale instant coffee.

Handing a cup to hubby, you sit on the bed and try not to pout. He takes a slurp from his cup and makes a face only a cartoonist could love as he asks, “Where did you get this, the local landfill?”

Hubby leaves his cup on the dresser and announces, “No time for breakfast, see you after work. Oh, I guess I should take you out to dinner tonight seeing as it’s your birthday. Wanna do that?”

You nod slowly in the affirmative as you watch his back disappear down the stairs.

This day has not begun well.

Dinnertime arrives and Hubby drags through the door. “Sheesh, what a dog of a day, I’m wiped, but I’m not going to spoil your special day, we are going out to eat. C’mon, I know just the place.”

Chicken

Wearing your classic, little black dress, diamond stud earrings and grey suede pumps, you are assailed by the smell of frying fat as Hubby holds the door open for you at the “Chicken On The Run” café.

“Boy, am I famished”, he announces. “I know how much you like the chicken here and I just gotta have that large order of ribs.“ When placing your order he smacks his forehead and with a chagrined look tells you, “Dang, I forgot this place isn’t licensed and we can’t have a celebratory glass of wine. Oh well, we can pick up a bottle on the way home.” There are also no desserts on the menu.

While drinking cups of coffee after the plates are cleared, Hubby admits that he had every intention of getting you a birthday card today, but there just wasn’t any time. However, a big, proud smile sneaks across his face as he proclaims he has a surprise for you.

At this point, you are ready to forgive all else, if he gives you that ring.

“Honey”, he states, “I know there is a particular kind of slow cooker you have your heart set on and I don’t want to make a mistake and get the wrong one, so on Saturday you and I are going shopping and I’m going to buy that for you. But, right now, let’s go get that bottle of wine and we’ll just make it home in time for the game.”

Your heart has fallen down into the toes of those beautiful, grey suede pumps.

You go home, he flamboyantly serves you that glass of wine and turns on the game. You struggle to get the overly sweet wine past the soccer ball sized lump in your throat and when that’s accomplished you declare, “I have a bit of a headache Honey, so I’m going up to bed early.”

He responds, “Ok Sweetie, you do that. Feel better, and oh, Happy Birthday!

Okay, what just happened here?
Essentially, what you did was write a script, not set (connect with) a goal.

You wrote yours and Hubby’s parts in the play, but didn’t give him a copy of the script. We call this ‘scripting’ not ‘goaling’.

What’s the difference?

You can only choose (set) goals for yourself. You can’t choose (set) goals for others.

Does this mean you could not have the dream birthday? No, but remember one thing: husbands are not mind readers, even when you give very broad hints!

This is what you do:

Give him lots of time prior to your birthday (or any event in which he is included) and say to him. “Honey, for my birthday I would just love it if you would …….” Men who love their women really do want to please them and make them feel loved, but they don’t know how; they need directions.

You can translate this story to relate to any relationship or situation. Just remember:

~ Make it clear what you want in whatever instance is presenting itself
~ Be kind and generous in how you do this. Respect the other person(s) feelings
~ Be willing to compromise

When it comes to what you want out of this (your goal), rather than focusing on the details of what you want another person(s) to do or not do, think of the FEELINGS you want to derive from the result.

Your goal is actually THE FEELING (respect, love, being heard, optimism, significance, appreciation, security, connection, compassion, confidence, acceptance, peace, etc.) not how it comes about.

Happiness
Goaling is all about feelings, not the house, the ring, the car, the man, the education, the weight loss, the money. It’s the feelings that these material things and accomplishments provide for you.

When I say ‘connect with your goal’ rather than ‘set your goal’, I am referring to you connecting with the feelings you want that make you happy.

Make the feelings your goals! The ‘hows’ will follow.

I’d love to know your thoughts Please leave a comment below.

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Why “I’m Sorry” Is NOT An Apology and Why It’s Important To Your Relationship Goals

ApologyBehind me, a grocery cart was just rammed into my heel.

If you haven’t had this experience, don’t try this at home!

It’s one of those times you want to recite the names of all the planets in our solar system before you react, but Jeez Louise that hurts!

Please tell me why some mothers allow their four-year-old ADHD child to play Indianapolis 500, accompanied with the appropriate, high decibel noises, with the cart in the supermarket??

Probably the same one who tosses off, ‘Sorry ’bout that’ over her shoulder as, ignoring the little terrorist, she shoves three boxes of sugar-laden cereal into her basket.

How would you feel if someone ran past you on the sidewalk, knocked you over and without breaking stride, flung, “Sorrreeee” back at you and kept going? Does that sound like an apology? Not!

So let’s take a look at that word ‘sorry’.

First of all ‘sorry’ is a state; a condition, a circumstance. ie: The state of the economy.

Saying ‘sorry’ makes it all about you. You know, the “I’m sorry, but….. (I didn’t see you, I didn’t mean to, you made me, if you hadn’t, etc. etc.).”

An apology is a process and makes it all about them, the person you hurt emotionally or physically.
Image

3D-Women-Shake-Hand-02This is the Apology Process:

1. I acknowledge that I (admit what you did)

2. Then say, “I apologize”

3. Say what you are willing to do to make amends. If you are unsure, ask the person what they need you to do to make amends.

4. Recommit yourself and your intentions to the relationship.

excuses

An apology with a built-in defense isn’t an apology; it’s an excuse to continue hurting someone. A true apology has no explanation; there are no ‘buts’ in an apology.

In the case of the grocery cart, the mother could have said, “I should not have allowed my son to control the cart, and I apologize. I will take the cart away from him right now. Is there anything I can do to help you? “

What do you think the sidewalk sprinter could have done differently?
Those two examples are stranger related, but the ones that involve those you interact with every day at work and home are more serious in nature.

Sometimes you will be apologizing for something that occurred that day or last week, and sometimes you owe an apology for something pretty momentous that happened years ago.

If you use this process, are sincerely repentant and truly want to make amends, this kind of apology will go a very long way to healing.

Some apologies are for such serious offenses, that you may need to repeat the apology many times over months or even years and you need to be willing to do so until the person you hurt very badly has believed you.

None of this, “I already said I was sorry!” stuff!

What would you want if you felt you had been wronged? How would you feel, deep inside, about that person if they chucked a “Sorry ’bout that” at you, or looked you in the eye, acknowledged they hurt you and how they did it, sincerely said, “I apologize” and offered to, or asked you how, they could atone?

Remember, you will find yourself on both sides of the apology fence throughout life, so be just as willing to offer it as well as want to receive it.

In relationship goals, we will always want to give and receive in equal amounts.

“Apologizing doesn’t always mean you are wrong. Sometimes it means you value your relationships more than your ego.”
~ Unknown​

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Why Did Robin Williams Die? The Real Reason


robin W
Robin Williams, beautiful soul

You, also a beautiful soul

Me, also a beautiful soul

Depression: the hidden pain of many beautiful souls.

It insidiously increases like a slow growing cancer over the years of the sufferer’s life as she alternately fights back up from it’s depths, has a period of remission then slides down the slippery slope once more, realizing with a shock she is again in depression’s dark depths.

She will struggle repeatedly to resurface before running out of air, to climb off a ledge by her fingernails, to stagger to the marathon’s finish line.

hanging by nailsYou see, she doesn’t want to die; she just wants to get off this roller coaster. Each time she makes it back up to the top there is that momentary pause when she thinks, “Okay, maybe this time I can stay here.”

There is hope again. She can shine in her brilliance, without having to put on a ‘smiley face’ with which to hide her ‘shameful’ weakness from the judgment and ignorance of those who would shun her.

But life happens, as it naturally will. From time to time she, as all of us are, will be rejected, unfairly judged, misunderstood, feel abandoned, suffer a failure, feel powerless to help a loved one, experience the trauma of physical illness or injury, deaths of family, friends or pets and so on and so on.

And then, with the speed of the roller coaster car descending the downslope, she is stuck in the pit without the momentum to climb up the next incline.

She struggles mightily to remain flexible and bend with the winds of life’s onslaughts, but without success. She beats herself up because she can’t beat this!!

She, once again, begins to believe that others are right, she is unworthy, unlovable, her life has been nothing but a string of failures and mistakes that have hurt people.

She suffers her own criticisms of herself with the ‘should haves’, ‘didn’t dos’, ‘what ifs’ producing a guilt of such proportion that is far more devastating than if delivered by any other person.

But she keeps her secret; she suffers in silence, sheds her tears behind closed doors and doesn’t want to ‘bother’ anyone else with her misery.

This climbing, clinging and falling repeats itself over and over throughout the years of her life. She becomes more exhausted each time as, from the pit, she looks at the ever longer and steeper upward climb.

But with a deep, inner strength, belying an Olympic athlete, she keeps on making that climb.

It is not that we, who suffer with this affliction, want to die. It is that we become exhausted and just can’t face another climb and another fall.  We just want to live without depression. Some find release in a natural passing from this life while others do it by their own hand.  Believe me when I say, this is not cowardice; we fight this with every ounce of strength in our mental, physical and emotional arsenal.

Robin Williams exhausted his arsenal; he became just too tired and hopeless.  He was a genius in his talent and he gave this world his gift full out. We want to remember him for that.

The stigma of suffering from depression only contributes to the devastation of the depressed. And that is why we become experts at hiding it. That is why it is such a shock when you learn of someone who takes his or her own life because of it. All you have seen of us is what we allow you to see.

Many of us are brilliant in our own field of purpose and have much to contribute to the world and it’s people; depression is odd that way.  But even our talents can’t overcome the dog-tired, drained, war-weary fatigue that finally has us give up.

Eventually, some end their lives and some just accept what they feel is inevitable, and cease to attempt to climb. They avail themselves of what help there is with medications and counselling, but the world of mental illness remains mysterious. Until the day arrives whereupon we see mental illness just as we do physical illness, there will continue to be the devastating suicides.

What you can do to help:

1.Stop judging others. When you do this, whether it is expressed or unexpressed, it is harmful. Outwardly it deeply stabs the hearts to whom it is aimed and inwardly the negative energy created damages everyone.

What you see in others is only through your eyes.  Of course we want people to see the same things we are judging in another person because that validates us and we all want validation.

Keep in mind, when you judge another you are unconsciously expressing a fear of something others may see in you.

2. Realize that what you outwardly observe and experience in another human being is only the very tip of the iceberg.  What lies beneath is that person’s very personal and private life with all of its pains and successes. Every human being lives with emotional wounds.

In our society it’s ok to talk about our successes, as long as we are appropriately humble, but it is not ok to talk about our emotional pain. That would be perceived as weakness.

3. Be willing to be vulnerable and encourage others around you to be vulnerable. We are now realizing that being vulnerable takes great courage and true healing is achieved much more quickly with it.

4. Practice compassion.  It is the salve on every emotional wound. Begin with yourself.

We will continue to experience shocking suicides of those who are depressed until we open up as a society, stop making judgments of others by what we see on the surface , be aware of the signs of suffering others may be hiding, practice kindness and compassion, and be willing to be open and vulnerable ourselves.

Choose some new goals for yourself within this realm and you will be creating a positive energy that others can ‘catch’ and pass on.

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“When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps” ~ Confucius

©Lynn Moore 2014

Why “Forgiveness” is the Wrong Word

(Plus: 5 Unusual Facts About ‘Forgiveness’ You’ve Likely Never Heard)

Click here if you would rather listen to this article:

 

love-funnel-combo

In the darkened theatre and through a veil of tears I watched the drama unfold on the screen.

And I made a soul wish, a prayer that millions upon millions of people around this globe would see and feel what I am seeing and feeling at this moment, a true story of forgiveness of such magnitude as to be immeasurable.

For anyone stuck in the deep hole of being unable to forgive, this scene is the ultimate teacher. If a deed of this magnitude can be forgiven, even 35+ years after the fact, you can find it within you to forgive anyone, including yourself.

I would be hard pressed to imagine anything more horrendous than the deeds for which his victim granted this man forgiveness. But during this deeply moving scene, rather than focus on the deeds, we focus on how these two characters changed during the ensuing years.

In a moment I will tell you how you can see this scene too.

Forgiveness is a ‘Relationship Goal’ all of us could have. Did you know it is also one of the Universal Laws? These Laws are ‘Energies’ with which we can align our daily lives and thus bring about the changes we so fervently wish for.

And therein lies our hope.

Let me ask you; is there an incident, involving another person in your past, that holds you in an emotional prison every time it comes to mind? Be honest because what I am going to share with you can actually set you free from the suffering you may be enduring.

You can stuff these feelings down and become an expert of denial, but the damage is still eroding your soul. So if you are holding onto what you feel are “justified” emotions because someone hurt you and you can’t let go, read on.

5 Forgiveness Facts

The Basis For All Human Behavior Is LOVE

The feel-good emotions originate from feelings of being loved. The feel-bad emotions originate from feelings of lack of love. The common denominator is ‘love’.

Pour all the feel-good emotions into the top of a funnel and at the bottom tip of the funnel they are stripped down to the root from which all the others grow …Love

Pour all the feel-bad emotions into the top of a funnel and at the bottom tip of the funnel they are stripped down to the root from which all of these grow …Lack of love

There Is No Guilt and No Innocence

Everyone, let me repeat, everyone on this planet suffers emotional pain. There is plenty to go around. We all, at times, act out from that source of pain. We don’t understand that this is what we are doing. We are simply reacting to feeling unloved.

In most cases, when we indulge in this behavior, we inadvertently hurt someone else.

So you can be assured that if you can’t forgive someone who caused you emotional suffering, there is someone who can’t forgive you for causing him or her pain. We are all in this together. There is no one who has not caused someone else to suffer in some way.

The Two Big R’s: Revenge and Righteousness

So why then, do you continue to hang onto and savor the pain you think someone deliberately injected into you, like a dose of poison?

Because you believe that if you admit you did something wrong or bad, you will feel lack of love and the result is feeling powerless which takes the form of ‘guilt’. So, for emotional protection, you have to remain righteous.

There are even those of us who think if we enact revenge, we will clean the slate, that two wrongs will make a right.

We enter very dangerous waters in this case. Now it becomes deliberate. It invites escalation and there is no better example of this danger than in the constant wars in which this planet indulges. Big war, little war, it’s all the same. There is never a ‘winner’.

You can’t let go because then you think you’ll have no power, when, in fact, the exact opposite is true. You have actually taken your power (control of self) back.

Ask yourself,”Do I want to be free or do I want to be right?”

Perhaps ‘Forgive’ Is The Wrong Word

For many of us, ‘forgive’ means to exonerate, absolve of responsibility or let someone off the hook. When in reality, no human being has the power to undo what has been done.

We all have to live with our behavior and its consequences. There is another law, the Law of Attraction, which brings the energies we impose on others back to us.

Why not make that energy one of understanding? Think of how you feel when someone tells you they understand?

Understanding is not absolving someone of what they did. It is you knowing that at the very least, they acted out of the pain of lack of love, which you can title with any of the feel-bad emotions.

You know what it feels like to feel unloved. Empathy has huge healing power.

Perhaps you will have the opportunity to engage in a conversation with this person (as happened during the scene in my theatre experience) and further understand where they were coming from at the time and that it really had nothing to do with you, but was a reaction to another incident in their lives or a complete misunderstanding.

Time Heals, It Really Does

We are here to grow. We all change with time.

If you are carrying pain from an incident that occurred a long time ago, you are stuck in limbo, a purgatory on Earth. And you deserve better.

Neither you nor the other party involved is the same as you were at that time. They may not even be aware of something they did or said that affected you in this way. Come to an understanding, either with them in conversation or in your own mind with the aid of what has been written here.

The incredibly moving scene that affected me so much is near the end of the movie “The Railway Man”, starring Oscar winners Colin Firth (The King’s Speech) and Nicole Kidman.

It is my belief and the belief of millions of others, that wherever it is we go when we leave this earth, there is only one emotion; unlimited, unconditional love. Love, is the ultimate healer.

I believe we are here to learn about love, to receive it, to give it, to live without it at times, to feel it’s tremendous power at others and most of all, to learn how to give it to ourselves.

Pain vs. love. Which one do you want to feel, give and be in the circumference of? I don’t know anyone who consciously chooses pain. Align yourself with the Universal Law of Forgiveness (Understanding) and you’ll attract much more love into your life.

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